Dear Expert,

How long to you have to be dating somebody before it counts as breaking up?

Love,
Casual Chris

Dear C.C.,

"Breaking up" is a tricky term. That's why we here at dumpedster.com prefer the word "dumped." "Dumped" is all-encompassing. It can describe a hastily-written email after a regrettable one-night stand, a weaseled-out-of third date, or the bone-crushing pain of losing a lifelong companion. However, Dumpedster Expert is not an idiot. She understands your question. When is it okay to use the term "breaking up"? Certainly, if one used the phrase after going out on a few dates, one would be considered an obsessive psycho who starts thinking about the whole calla lily vs. magnolia debate before one even learns of one's date's middle name. One would hate to think that one would go so far as creating an entire fantasy life around one night with a TGI Friday's bus boy, wouldn't one? Yes. That would make one crazy. Just. Plain. Crazy.

In her wide and varied experience in the world of love and dating, Dumpedster Expert has come across a few basic guidelines for determining whether or not you are yet at the level of "breaking up." They do not include time limits. This is a common misconception. Length of time not does equal level of seriousness. Sometimes you can go eight months without ever hearing one goddamn expression of affection, and sometimes you can have a forty-eight hour date that culminates with picking out baby names after brunch.

So, without further ado, here are your guidelines:

1. "I love you." If you hear this, and a week later, you're stuffing your clothes into plastic Associated bags and deciding to leave behind your toothbrush and your $19 Kiehl's moisturizer, you just broke up.
2. Getting knocked up/knocking someone up. Unless you're some kind of horrible, horrible tramp, this elevates your relationship to a serious level, and you can proceed to breaking up.
3. Letting yourself go. Now, while we all know that Lifetime.com advocates looking your best no matter how long you've been with a person, it's common knowledge that once you start pretending to "go jogging" when you're actually "getting a peanut-butter-and-chocolate smoothie," you're in the Love Zone. Concealer — what's that? Fat pants? FUN pants. If you get dumped at this stage in the game (and you will, tubby), you're breaking up.
4. Secret language that only the two of you can understand. If you have this, fuck you. I hope you get dumped HARD. Oh sorry, I mean "broken up with" hard. Pussy.
5. Meeting the family. This is the ultimate sign that you're capable of breaking up. Nothing says "we're in a relationship" like sneaking swigs of booze in the downstairs guest bathroom and crying with the water running while your significant other tries to smooth over the fact that you accidentally said "dirty dagos" in front of Grandma Antonia.

Hope these guidelines help. Although, when it really comes down to it, who cares if you're breaking up or if you're just getting dumped? It's not like it hurts any less. If you're dumped, you're dumped. All that matters is that you write to us.

God bless,
Dumpedster Expert

Dear Dumpedster Expert,

I want to dump my boyfriend, but I'm afraid it will send him over the edge. What's a painless way of doing it?

Regards,
Paul

Dear Paul,

Whatever you do, don't feed him any lines. No "it hurts me as much as it hurts you," no "it's for the best," no "I'm so sick of the way you chew crackers I want to claw off your face." Just be straightforward. Be kind. Have Kleenex handy. And you must be firm. One last roll-around in the sack is not a good idea. It will make him cry and repeat "I love you, I love you, I love you" like a mantra, and then he will go throw up from shame, and he might not even make it to the bathroom. The key to a good breakup is efficiency. If he begs for you to reconsider, say no. If he threatens to hurt himself, remind him that he will be fine without you, because he is strong. If he clings to your leg as you try to leave, be gentle when you shake him off like a dog. And remember, Paul, once you leave, he is not your responsibility. When you're out having fun and meeting new boys, don't feel guilty when your ex-boyfriend calls you seventeen times and can barely talk because he's sobbing and choking on his own snot. When you hear through a mutual friend that your ex lost his job because he couldn't eat or get out of bed in the morning, remind yourself: you are not a bad person. You did what was best. And just because he has a drinking problem, it does not mean that you are an evil person. A heartless, compassionless person. Who, if karma has its way, will end up friendless, infirm, and chilly.

Best of luck!

Cheers,
Dumpedster Expert

Dear Dumpedster Expert,

Is it better to dump, or to be dumped?

Thanks,
Jesse

Dear Jesse,

You know what? Dumpedster Expert is getting a little tired. It might be time for Dumpedster Expert to take a break. Or get a drink. Take a little nap. Good luck, Jessie. Best of luck. Hope everything goes well for you, buddy. Happy dumping. And see you all next week.

-DE

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